My Ramble

Why can’t i find a boyfriend like I can find a job?

Why don’t I have boyfriend?

Why can life be so fun, refreshing, inspired, sad, lonely, filled with unpredictable people, pain, joy and peace all at once?

why why why do people tell me I am inspiring because I am independent and strong and yet others feel so intimidated by this?

why do guys say they will call when they won’t?

what the fuck is wrong with my profile?

why don’t people practice what they preach?

why are people cruel and insensitive?

why do i feel let down by others?

why don’t i get to be looked after sometimes?

why am i so hard on myself?

Every now and then I think about why I haven’t been married and had children and if I will miss out. It still amazes me that technology keeps getting better and yet woman still have a body clock and grow babies inside their bellies…

I really don’t want to miss out on this experience and yet I don’t feel I have actively encouraged relationships that don’t work, that’s just part of life, or is it….

Have I missed out so far because I wouldn’t settle, wouldn’t stay in a relationship because it was easier than being alone. Haven’t wanted to bring children into an unsettled relationship.

The truth is I haven’t met the right person to have them with but how many more chances will I get. I am going to be 35 years old next month, have already had a successful career, wonderful friends, family, learned to love myself for who I am, faced many challenges, fears and pains….what more will it take? Why do other people get the simple pleasures and hard work of marriage and children and I don’t?

I went on a date on Friday, a blind date, something I thought I would never do. It went really well, we had fun and he asked me out again tonight but blew me off two hours before the date…

I don’t want to be rejected anymore to worry about what I did and didn’t do to impress, was I his type, could I have done something differently, will he call etc etc. To be honest I wasn’t amazingly attracted to him but thought well he is nice, wants a family some day and what else is on the table relationship wise, nothing….this is a truly sad predicament…what has become of me?

I have these thoughts every 6-12 months as I grow older because I believe I am a good person and don’t want the choice of having children taken away from me, I would love then, look after them but I not in control of other peoples attraction to me…

well so much has changed for the good. I am working as a sole trader - finally working for myself! I contract 3 days a week, every week to a company and that is great, I am spending the rest of my time setting up my own business.

Setting up the business is daunting and exciting all at once. I have just finished a Saturday freelance course which filled my head with so much info I am not sure if I am better or worse off! I am spending every moment that I am not contracting thinking about how to sell myself, how to get clients, how to behave and doing this on my own for 4 days a week can be a little interesting.

I am so mellow now compared to when I was working full time in Advertising, I sometimes feel like I don’t have a pulse.

The good things I am so grateful for are:

I am exercising more and really loving it

I can hang out with friends really whenever they are free

I can go away for long weekends, which I am doing

I have a lot of freedom, me time

 I am finally my own boss

I am excited about carving out my future and have a 3 day a week, very good income to help me do that

The elements I am struggling with are:

A I too mellow for my age?

I feel like I am in a dopey bubble, so slow, am I just restless or is this contentment?

I am on my own a lot! This can be good and bad

I am questioning everything but am not too concerned about the outcome or answers

 I feel less confident because I produce stuff not actually make it and because suddenly it feels different selling myself for me and not as part of a company that hires me.

However overall my life is very peaceful, filled with great, kind friends, I am more everything and my world, home, new country is pretty wicked. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t have doubts, aye?!!

kew

Are my expectations too high? Am I too guarded? Am I too serious?

For the first time I am offended by how many younger people are living their lives exactly the way they want, what I mean is if they want to open a shop they are doing it, if the want to be a blogger or a poster designer they are doing it. Am I jealous? Maybe.

On the plus side to that I am feeling inspired by this too, like finally I am able to make the leap to freelance work, doing my own thing. It will be challenging and I may fall flat on my face but I have to try. I picture the odd day sleeping in and having breakfast at a local cafe and having my own time walking or chilling, verses chasing the work. This may be fantacy like but at least I am dreaming. I never stop, maybe that is part of the feeling like my expectations are too large I expect a lot from life is this really bad?

I moved here to try to take a break from being too locked into work and get more balance. To be a bit more anonymous and maybe find my home.

Who knows it is all possible.

Well one brilliant thing has happened that has helped to break the cycle of late. I saw an awesome flat on Saturday and am moving in!

I HAVE A NEW ROOM. Wow such a simple thing that has life looking so much better. I am getting excited about being settled, having my stuff unpacked and decorating my room, my way! My new flatmate seems really lovely too.

Saturday was a pretty awful day actually. I ended up bawling in the street, it is amazing how much stress can take it’s toll, along with no-where to call your own and not much space to clear your head. It has taken me a while to realize how much all the drama since I arrived has affected me. But getting this room has broken the back of the drama and things can only get better now.

I am also looking forward to going home to NZ to see everyone and to get some more of my things. It is getting cold here and I have no winter coats, one pair of sneakers and two pairs of trousers! Def need a top up on stuff and seeing friends.

Two things I know,

I don’t need anyone to love me, in a relationship I mean because I love me. If someone comes a long and is responsible for their life and we have fun and loves me really for who I am then great but I am pretty happy with being single.

I will get through this and have the Sydney experience I was expecting to have

Kew

I have had just about everything thrown at me lately and am still standing, not sure how. Change on all levels can be physically and emotionally draining but I clambering through and really trying to keep my chin up.

I am starting again, back to square one and the only things I am sure of are:

I like being here in Sydney

I need a new home and to stop living out of a suitcase!

I am lonely but strong and mostly boyant

I need to take a trip to NZ to get some more clothes and possessions

I am single again and forever fearful that I will never get married and have children

I am happy when swimming, mediating and practicing Yoga

I am a good person who is trying their best

I want everything to be less complicated

I want to just be

I am trying to see where the universe takes me and hope that it leads me to a better more settled spot, with peace.

kew

Well what can I say, I feel so much happier here than the last time I lived in this city, I feel like I finally might have found the place I belong, even the Aussie’s don’t seem so aggressive or disagreeable as last time! However it seems so much more expensive!

I am loving living in Potts Point, lot’s of boutique shops, cafe’s, art deco buildings and trees. I haven’t got bored of the walk up to train yet. Kings Cross can be a bit depressing but has lot’s of cheap eateries and there is always something to look at, millions of junkies though…

I read yesterday in the newspaper that there are more people in the Cross on a Saturday night than there are at Town Hall train station at peak hour - that’s saying something!

My man has arrived which was very exciting. He is finding the city pretty busy and large but he will adjust.

Back at the gym which is great, need more time to get fit again. I am also missing reading so will join the library soon and get onto that!

Work is interesting, going well, still don’t loooove advertising but hey am not sure anyone who works in the industry feels it is adding massive value to their lives!

Need a bit more time to get on top of my bills in NZ and buy stuff we need here, but that will all take time i guess.

mellow day today, ready to go back to bed now! 9-6pm takes it’s toll with all travel and having a life, but that will all come right too.

Well life is fabulous! I am loving being back in Sydney.

work is going well everyone is really nice in my team and the company treats their staff well and seems to encourage communication, but hey it is early days, everything could turn to custard when it gets busy but let’s hope not!

I have a new relationship on the go which is really exciting. He is everything I have needed for a long time and he has been waiting in the wings for years actually. The only way i can explain it is that i couldn’t see him properly till now. i needed to go through my last shitty relationship and travel on my own to really believe and know that i need someone kind, who really loves me for me to see it for what it is. It has moved quickly, maybe that’s age! He is moving to sydney to be with me and we are both very excited about sharing our lives together. It feels very right. We even spent Xmas at each others family after only dating for a month! However we have known each other for about 8 years. anyway live is good when you are loved and happy!

Am flat hunting which is so competitive, it’s totally crazy! sometimes you have to call as soon as you see the advert and then leave work to see it anytime they have a viewing even in the week day! I went yesterday to one and the flat was already taken the agent didn’t even show up, I only found out because I called the agent. i am not getting too involved yet as I have just started work and so will try to only see stuff on the weekends.

I am very excited about being back where the shopping is amazing and have seen so many things for the home and clothes I love - ekk get paid this week but will have to use most of that money for my bond and rent to land a flat.

Anyway I don’t feel like I will be going back to NZ in a hurry. After all my traveling, moving countries and flats in london, Sydney (last time) & NZ I am pretty ready to settle down now and try to stay in on place for a while, maybe even nest…

So far 2011 is shaping up to be a cracking year, i am only allowing myself to think possitive thoughts!!

living with your whole family when you are in your 3o’s is a nightmare!! Struggling majorly…..one minute it is ok the next I want to run a mile…very small house….the worst thing is not having anywhere to be alone….fark!!!

My sister is back which is fabulous and strange…we are so different. Yet we have so many really cool chats about life, love, feelings and people’s effect on us.

I am grumpy too. Mainly I think it’s because I have had the world’s longest period and am still feeling a bit rubbish…it should have ended but it keeps dragging on. Also I am grumpy because I have no space…my dad talks nonstop and is constantly asking where I am off to or where I have come from, when there is no point in telling him because he never remembers!!! My sister never seems to be feeling ok or happy and I can’t see why because she has such a great life living in Italy, studying art, mediating etc. ARRRRHHHH

What can you do? Can’t wait to be earning some money and be back out on my own…will probably be lonely and miss them all but hey can’t imagine that at the moment!!!

Lot’s of weird and wonderful things have been happening and being here still feels very very strange…

For the first 2 weeks I was very unconnected with my surroundings. The only way I can describe it is the way people describe an out of body experience. I felt like a stranger looking in on someone elses life. I have always been very at home and comfortable in Auckland. But it felt like a very very small village.

A lot of people are still effected by the recession and have a strange paranoid out look on life at the moment. I have been lied to by a good friend, been used for information about old colleagues by an acquaintance and been bored silly a lot of the time during these strangely small world paranoid rambing conversations. People need to get out more! I am finding a lot of people in Auckland very pretentious, narrow minded and negative. This is not what I saw before and is hard to come to terms with.

I learnt so much on my travels about myself and what’s important. I am now used to spending long periods of time on my own and frankly I often find myself either totally engrossed in a conversation or bored to tears. Aucklander’s use so many unnesessary pleasantries in conversation to puff themselves up and seem more important, fuck off and grow up I can see through your bullshit!!

Going out in Auckland is dead boring too. I struggle to think of any favorite cafes and bars and could careless for most of the music. Some bars in Auckland have been playing the same music for about 12 years!! We are at the ass end of the world and it is starting to feel like it!

I don’t want this to all sound so doom and gloom because it isn’t. I am just resetting my life for the better. I have been enjoying lot’s of time with the people I missed while I was away always keeping my dear, fun and loyal friends close. I have been having a great time with them and really enjoying the time we spend together immensely!

I am also majorly struggling with living back with my parents and long for some space on my own. although they have been amazing putting me up while i find a job it isn’t easy for any of us and it is pretty odd at my age!!

I have also heard that my ex has a girlfriend and all about her. Although I have long since closed that chapter of my life I am getting more info than I need to. It’s never nice to hear that they have met someone else and are moving on even if I believe that the direction I am going in is much healthier and much more fun!! Isn’t it strange how you can know someone so well and yet they meet someone totally different and behave in ways that totally surprise you. Arh well I have never pretended to understand the opposite sex!

I am in an amazing time and place in my life. I know I am facing challenges here in NZ for reason. So that I can leave the past behind and look only forward. I am very keen on moving back to Sydney and am looking forward to being out on my own again.

I am also ready to meet my husband and feel very sure he is just around the corner. I had a few things on my “to do” happy list after my trip and him finding me is one of them! There were VERY few things on the list, which is the beauty of my time traveling on my own, narrowing down the few things I need in my life to keep it fabulous! I have done two of them already. Get a nice new short haircut and get my eyes lasered. both have further changed my life for the better!

So my life is changing, all good changes so far, bring on Sydney - the beach, great friends who still live there, great economy, the world is my oyster, lucky me!!!